I am no longer a maternal person. My children have slowly exhausted all of my maternal feelings over the years – replacing them mostly with exhaustion and frustration! Seriously, I loved having babies and children – growing up I wanted nothing more than my own family. I wouldn’t be without any of my three children but lets face it, bringing children up is hard work.
My girls are 20 and 18 and have moved out. Granted, they are only down the road, but they are living independently. My son is 13 and growing up fast. All three are decent human beings. I didn’t expect the girls to be living independently so quickly but, I like it. My nest feels far from empty but it feels manageable and a lot more peaceful! I see my daughters frequently, still get to feed them, nag them and help them. My son has not yet given me a sleepless night and I am hopeful that a teenage son is going to be much easier than a pair of teenage daughters! My house is tidy and organised, my belongings stay where I leave them. I get to sleep all through the night and can go wherever I want in a split second. My things are not “borrowed” and I know who is in my house when I am not there – no-one! For me, there are so many plus’s to older children.
I can’t imagine starting again now with a newborn. I can honestly say that the thought fills me with horror. I have several friends who have had late babies and “surprise” babies and while I am pleased for them I am also so pleased it’s not me! I didn’t always feel like this. There was once a time that I couldn’t have imagined not wanting another baby. My girls came easily and were both very good babies. My son didn’t come easy and then only after the use of fertility drugs making him extra precious. I think we knew then that we should quit while we were ahead. And, they were always enough. I never wanted more. As they have grown, I have enjoyed the independence that has come with them growing up. As they have grown up, so have I.
And yet, I still find babies being born the most amazing thing in the world. I can and do sit and watch birth programme after birth programme and enjoy every one. It never fails to bring a tear to my eye when the baby finally arrives. I just don’t think there is anything more beautiful. As well as the numerous TV births that I have watched I have been lucky enough to witness three “real” births and can honestly say that each one was incredible.
So, I still want to see babies being born – I just don’t want them to be mine !!!